I’m dealing with some pretty serious diminished capacity to due depression right now.  Having a hard time eating, bathing, exercising, and communicating.  When I’m not working, I’m sleeping.  I feel constantly exhausted and mentally slowed down.

If you’ve called me, please understand that I haven’t been able to check my messages in several weeks.  I can’t talk on the phone unless I’m on autopilot at work, with a script and specific information I’m seeking.  Personal chat is beyond me.  I honestly don’t know how to answer even the most solicitous expressions of care.

If you’ve e-mailed me, please be patient.  On bad days I can’t boot up my computer.  On medium days I can boot my computer up and see your unread e-mail in my Inbox.  Only on good days can I both read your message and respond appropriately.

I understand how incredibly frustrating it must be to attempt communication with me, then to wait as the days tick by with no response.

But I’m asking patience.  Or if you can not be patient and have to move on, at least try to understand that I’m doing my absolute best to recover from this.  I remember having inspiration and energy, and I imagine that at some point I will have those things again.  Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to respond to my e-mail and to honor my commitments.  I’m also trying to find help, which is difficult and frustrating.  The State of Michigan seems to have no resources set aside for mental illness care, and I am not able to apply for Disability without assistance, which there is also no budget for.  In spite of this, I’m doing the best I can.  I still have two part-time jobs, though I’m terrified of being laid off or fired for health-related reasons.

It’s embarrassing to post this publicly, but I’d rather admit my struggle with depression honestly than to continue my humiliating and ultimately unsuccessful attempts to cover it up.  I can no longer pretend that I can overcome this through sheer force of will.  I can’t.  I need help.  Mostly, I need patience when it seems like I’m being flaky or uncommunicative.  Again, I know this is frustrating, particularly for those of you dealing with me on a professional basis.  Right now I’m only committing to what I know I can do, and that may be less than you would wish, but I’ve tried overextending myself and that didn’t work either.

I’m disabling Comments because I know that you care, and I feel incredibly blessed by that, but I want to avoid a flurry of new e-mail.

Also:  if you are suffering from debilitating depression, you are not alone.  I am here.  I’ve got it too.  If I can offer you any comfort, or just make you laugh at how long it’s been since I’ve been able to brush my hair, I’m here.